Runner's high? I think not...

I run....like, every single day. I started running at 13 and have run on and off since then. That said, I would never call myself a runner. I am terrible at it. I mean, I really fucking suck. Always have. I can't run more than 3 miles at a time. No matter how many years I run for, 3 miles is my limit. And I walk at least a quarter of it. My form is terrible. Ever see that episode of Friends when Phoebe ran? Yeah, that's me but less famous. A quarter mile in, I look like a 90 year old on her 10th mile through the Sahara. I'm slow, and I really have no interest in being any faster.

I hate it. It's no fun at all. I rarely look forward to it, and if I do, it's because I've been cooped up in the house all day taking care of an infant and it's the only half hour I get to myself. And anyone who has ever experienced a "runner's high" has clearly never done blow. I hate it even more with the jogging stroller. The front wheel shimmies and I have to pop a wheelie every time I hit a bump or my poor kid will get shaken baby syndrome. You're supposed to lock the wheel, but then I can't turn. The only thing I like about running with the stroller is the end, when I stop at Dunkin Donuts to get my iced coffee reward and walk the rest of the way home.

I feel like a disgusting sweaty mess when I'm done, and can think of nothing but a shower the second I walk in the door. I spend the whole day in my yoga pants and sneakers just procrastinating until I can't anymore.

The one thing running has done for me is that it has made me lose 46, count 'em, pounds of baby weight in 12 weeks. I have 4 more to go. And every time I lace up my damn sneakers, I just tell myself that in a few weeks I will be back in my damn pre-pregnancy jeans finally.

I also like ice cream. And at 35, there is no way I can justify eating it unless I "run it off." So that's what I do. I put on my stupid ugly sneakers, pull my hair up, strap the kid in, and go. I walk when I have to walk. I bend over and stop when I get a cramp. I don't worry about what other people think because, hey, they aren't running at all so who are they to judge, right? And every morning, I weigh myself, and try on my favorite jeans, which I can just button now, but with serious muffin going on.

Until they come up with a way to lose weight while drinking wine and watching TV, I have no choice.