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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Funny Facebook thread about my Insanity woes

Holy mother of shit. This is effing insane. I couldn't even make it through the fit test without taking a short break to throw up and then cry at what a complete loser I am.
http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/insanity.do

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  • and 5 others like this.
  •  It gets better. Give it two weeks.
  •  Well I can't possibly get any worse!
  •  Hahaha!!!! That workout is no joke!!! Same happened to me when I tried it!!
  • You're kidding right?
  • Well I didn't actually puke. I stopped so I wouldn't. But I did cry.
  • I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a panzarotti.
  • I'm so sorry but I laughed out loud. I'm telling you, focus on the form first and speed later. Just think, with a shitty first fit test, you will look like a hero when you do it again at the end.
  •  I got out of breath just getting it out of the cellophane.
  • The improvements each time you redo the fit test is amazing!
  •  Nice let me know how it goes I might give it a try
  • You're already insane enough
  •  Yeah but I look terrible I wanna be an in shape insane guy
  •  i tried to warn you so you wouldn't feel like a loser! i said, "don't worry about how hard the fit test may seem," didn't i???? You'll be fine! You are gonna be as sore as a motha this week, but I promise it gets better :))
  •  my main problem is that I'm not even sure I did anything with the right form. So basically I could get the same workout jogging in place for 30 minutes. I want to tone up and lose inches. How can I check my form with no help?
  •  Insert inappropriate joke here.
  •  if you have a place where you can do it in front of a mirror, that's the obvious way to check yourself against those thin bitches on your screen. i don't have such said place, but i do remember doing the workout at night and checking my reflection in my sliding glass door from time to time. and of course, dave would always just sit there and watch me, which was just a blast (sarcasm) so i'd ask him if i looked right...
  •  when you do the actual workouts he does explain proper form pretty well for most of them. practice will make perfect and you'll definitely figure it out.
  •  Thanks. I don't have a mirror where I am doing my workout either...I would ask Brett to spot me for a workout but he would just sit there and laugh hysterically. I'll have to figure it out. Maybe I'll practice form on the fit test stuff tonight in front of the mirror.
  •  another side note. remember you'll be sore tomorrow, but the following day is even worse. hope you live in a rancher........
    am i a motivational wonder or what?
  •  Not only do I have THREE floors in my house, but I have a knee problem. Ugh.
  • wow. these should have been included with the DVD set. http://www.ameriglide.com/AmeriGlide-Stairlifts.htm

    AmeriGlide Stair Lifts
    www.ameriglide.com
    AmeriGlide stair lifts are designed and manufactured for homeowner installation. We also offer nationwide installation.
  • Bahahahahahahaha!
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Monday, February 25, 2013

Week 1. Insanity...insane

Ok. So I was debating reviewing   Insanity as I was going through it. Today was day 1. And after the total um...well...insanity I just put myself through, I decided that yes, I will blog about it. If nothing else, it will keep me doing it because I'm totally OCD and will need to finish this once I start it.



So, first you should know that this review is coming from a normal person. I am not fat, but I'm not skinny. I thought...I was in semi ok shape until I did the Fit Test today! But more to come on that later. I am 5'9, 145 pounds. I am 37, a mother of two. 13 and 2 years old. My problem areas after having my 2 year old are, well everywhere it seems. My belly is a mess, my thighs are thick and rich with cellulite. I even have upper back fat now. Like I said, I'm not fat, but I've never had too much of a problem getting in shape by  running and this time around it is much harder. That said, I run about 3-4 days a week on average, 2-3 miles a day. I walk my dog daily, about a mile, and I do toning work almost daily...ab work, squats, some weights...whatever I feel like, usually only for about 20 minutes or so a day. To start, my measurements are 29" waist, 36" hips, and 23" thighs. Ok. So here goes:

Day one is the Fitness Test, which you do every 15 days to measure your progress. It sounds like, oh a quick test. But do not be fooled. This is a workout. It is about 30 minutes long and I couldn't even really make it through. At the end I was just kind of doing whatever to keep moving. I don't even know how to count the number of times I did the last 3 exercises, because I was more flailing around like a blind monkey than actually completing them in true form. Ps. If you are female, you may want to murder the girl on the dvd. I know the guy on the dvd did because she kept beating him and he looked like he was going to die at the end. That, and the fact that she is way too cute and happy and my stretched out belly will never look like her toned 22 year old abs, really gets me feeling stabby.

Here were my results, as best I could muster:

Switch Kicks: 47
Power Jacks: 40
Power Knees: 50
Power Jumps: 25
Globe Jumps: 7
Suicide Jumps: 3 (This is when I just completely gave up for a few minutes and cried)
Push-up Jacks: 6 (but technically 0 since I can't actually do a full push up)
Low Plank Oblique: 23 ( I clearly did these wrong because they were too easy)

Make sure you have plenty of water ready to go and you will need a decent amount of space available to perform globe jumps and push ups and also a clear path to the bathroom in case you need to puke. Lock your dog in another room because he will be concerned for you and unsure of your spastic moves. If he is like my dog, he will start to jump on you and stand directly where you need to go. He may lick your face when you try to do a push-up jack.

Ok. For the next 5 days I will be putting myself through more torture. I'll add more if I feel it warrants explanation. Otherwise, I will catch you next week.

Update: Ok on a serious tip...I just did the second DVD. Plyo-somefuckery or another I think it's called.  Let me tell you, if you have ANY KNEE ISSUES at all, this will be really tough for you. Once again, I cried like a baby halfway through simply because there were so many exercises in the second half that are really hard on your knee (my left one gives me issues from running for so many years) that I didn't even know what to do with myself after a while. For instance, there  were some drills involving dropping into a plank position, 4 quick push ups,  and then run while in plank position, jump up and then back down. Well, I overcompensated for my bum left knee by using my right knee and my arms too much. I ended up not being able to finish them, pulling my left tricep, and my right ass cheek is now killing me. It sucked mostly because without the knee pain I could have kept going. I ended up doing crunches and things to keep busy when I couldn't do the exercise. Once again, I'm sad. But I will stick with it until my knee falls off.

 Update: By Wednesday I was hating life and everyone involved in it. My entire body hurt, I couldn't even fathom doing 57 more times (And it gets harder??). BUT, then Thursday's workout came. Cardio Recovery. Many people that review cardio recovery say that it is really difficult and to not even consider it a break. It is difficult, a lot of yoga poses and holding stretches; you will still build up a little sweat. But this dvd is like a trip to Bali compared to the last 3 days. It was EXACTLY what I needed. It is a much needed and much deserved break. I woke up today, Friday, feeling like a million bucks! The soreness is subsiding. I'm not exhausted. In fact, I woke up early and did the workout before my little one woke up! Before today, I had been doing them during her nap time in the middle of the day. After the workout, I made an egg white omelette with fresh spinach, tomato, and mushrooms on a piece of whole wheat flatbread. No cheese doodle cravings, no swedish fish cravings, no ice cream cravings. I have to say, I feel pretty good today! There is hope. Three excrutiatingly tough days, followed by one easy day, then two more insane days, and then a day off. Ok, I can do this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Blog-o-tronic

I wish there was one. It seems all my thoughts have been reduced to 2 sentence facebook status updates rather than entire blog worthy epiphanies.

Had a disturbing dream last night that I was about to get raped by an old friend I haven't seen in years. I was woken up by Reagan's baby monitor before it actually happened, but he was in the process of holding me down and putting lotion all over my hands so I couldn't fight him off. I don't know if that would work in real life, nor do I want to know, but in the dream it was working and it sucked.

Although I have felt the urge to blog, my 10 month old feels the urge to smack the keyboard repeatedly causing me to have to backspace and retype, and once wait for my computer to come out of sleep mode when she hit the little moon key.

I've been very good with not putting the tv on at all during the day. We play, clean, walk the dog every day, run errands, etc. Unfortunately, on the rare occasion I just need a break and put the tv on to try and occupy her for 5 minutes, it doesn't work. It's like she doesn't even notice it's on. It's Bubble Guppies too. I mean, come on. I even zone out and watch it for a few minutes. Oh well. Maybe my brain will stop being mush soon and I can actually blog something interesting. I'm even boring myself.

Oh, I've been baking like it's my job. All gluten free, vegan, and sugar free. I'm hoping to start a little home business soon. Maybe I should blog my food, like everyone else does...
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Monday, August 1, 2011

But I stilllll love technology,,,..always and forever -Kip, Napolean Dynamite

Hmmmmm....what to write what to write what to write....all work and no play makes jack a dull boy...ha! You know, anyone could play an insane person now by typing that once and just cutting and pasting. The days of ye olde typewriter and white out are long gone. AND that's what I can write about. Technology.

Ten years ago I was freaking genius when it came to technology. Remember when no one knew how to set the time on their VCRs? Haha, I could always figure it out. Well, ok so maybe that was 20 years ago. Anyway, I prided myself in the fact that I could figure out how to connect anything to anything else and make it work. When I got my first computer, I was 19 and in college. I still have the thing in the basement. It is a Packard Bell. It had a 14.4 modem which I upgraded to a 28.8 and added memory too, all by myself. I set up wav files for every notification. I had that thing pimped out. I'm not sure exactly when it all got away from me, but it definitely did.

My problem is I have absolutely no patience whatsoever. I CANNOT read directions. I need to be able to figure stuff out by doing it. When putting together my baby's stuff (namely her stroller and pack and play) I was literally brought to tears each time. You HAVE to read the damn directions to put that shit together. And whatever 5 year old they hire to draw the pictures on those pamphlets should seriously be put through more art classes first.

It's so unfair. My husband is a tech guru. It's what he does for a living. He is a wiz at reading and following directions. So, I am left with a house full of techy crap that I can literally not even figure out how to turn on most of the time.

So, in our family room entertainment system, we have: a very large flat tv, a wii, xbox 360, playstation, some connection for that that plays hd dvds, a directv receiver, speakers, some other speaker like thing that is just for base or something, and a receiver that connects to all of it, plus his computer which is set up to play music. Here's what I can do: I can turn on the tv, change channels, and change the volume. I cannot watch payperview, I cannot play any sort of dvd like substances, I can not play video games. I hate it. I used to be able to do all of those things. Now there are just too many wires. Toooo maaaaany wiiiiires.

Speaking of wires, I bought a nice pretty chest just so I could shove all the loose wires in there, because I don't know what any of them are for and they are not connected to anything. Behind the TV it looks like a fireman's wet dream. Wires connected to other wires, connected to electric things, plugged into surge protectors, plugged into other surge protectors, wrapped around wires that aren't connected to anything (dammit I told him I bought a freaking chest for that shit.)

I used to listen to music. I loved buying cds and records. Alas, after a decade of trying I have given up on all my ipods. I can't seem to get any of them to turn off, and they just die eventually. I can't upload any music onto anything. Actually, I can't even download music onto my computer. I seriously don't know how. I really miss music I could actually touch.Thank Jah I can still read books. I refuse to get one of them there new fangled nook things. I just hope I'm not eventually forced to. Or I'll be like those people in Fahrenheit 451 who memorize books. 

My cell phone has one of the rings that just comes with it when you buy it. No fancy music for me. I can't figure out how to get it onto my phone.

My husband tries to get me into stuff. He bought me an ipod dock alarm clock for a birthday or something. It's in his drawer. I never used it. He tried to give me his ipod touch when he got an iphone. I brought it on vacation after fully charging it and it died on the plane. Apparently, I didn't turn it off correctly after charging it. Come on, apple, is it really that difficult to make something that plays music that you can just, oh I don't know, switch off with a button?? Like people have for a century or so? Anyway, I never used it again after that. He got a Xoom, and tried to explain to me the many benefits of having one, how I need one for while I am wandering my house. I can look up recipes and bring it into the kitchen! What's wrong with index cards? Oh and PS, Angry Birds is stupid.

I am aware I sound like a grandma. But I honestly don't have enough time to deal with the crap.

Sadly, my little web-book that I am on right now is dying. Hubs says the flerpityderp is on the fritz or something like that. I had brought it to his attention yesterday that it would go into some dos thing when I tried to load my windows screen thingy and he looked at it and said, "What do you want, a laptop or desktop?" I burst into tears. I seriously did. I don't want anything! I know how this thing works and besides, all my stuff is on it.

Luckily, I can still look like a total technological genius by heading over to my parent's who finally broke down and bought their first computer like THREE MONTHS AGO! Yeah, they think I'm cool. My mom hands me her phone and says, "I don't know why but it won't ring anymore." And I go, "Yep, that's a volume issue you got there. Let's just push this button three times and viola! Sound!"
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Friday, July 29, 2011

Let your Freak Flag Fly....Freak

I've been told I was weird for as long as I can remember. I was so painfully unpopular in grade school it pains me to think of it. I was a total dork. My mom was a model and dressed me a little too fashion forward...and I was too smart for my own good. My father's sense of humor, which seemed totally normal at home, and which is obviously where I got my sense of humor, did not fly in a public school full of young children. In 4th grade, Ben Cashwell started a rumor that I ate toilet paper and it was really all downhill from there. (For the record, I DO NOT eat toilet paper.) Ben Cashwell also took to calling me "dog" which became my nickname for the last few years of grade school before I thankfully entered middle school and got lost in the crowd a bit, although I was still painfully dorky. I remember a teacher telling me my sweater was weird in 6th grade. That is really so not cool. My mom picked it out, and she made me wear it. Fuck you, lady. You weren't exactly a damn fashion plate.

I was painfully unpopular until 7th grade, when I came back to school with boobs, a perm, and eye makeup. Then, the 8th grade boys started noticing me and I was pushed into semi-cooldom. I tried very hard to suppress my odd sense of humor and the fact that I was smarter than all of them. It worked. In 8th grade, Ben Cashwell wanted to make out with me. I said no, due to the fact that he was a short slimy little lying fuck that ruined two years of my life. So he told DR that I was talking smack about her. One last jab before he was left back and I moved on to high school.

In high school, I barely passed 9th grade. I was trying so goddamn hard to be cool, nothing else mattered. It backfired, and I was grounded most of the year for my grades. So my sophomore year, I dropped all my college prep courses. Showing up to class was enough to earn me an A, so I was free to continue to act cool.

My high school was pretty big. There were about 2000 kids there. I never reached the level of coolness that I wanted to, but at least I wasn't a total nerd. I was lost in one of the many subcategories of kids in the school. Still, I needed some outlet for my weirdness, so I made friends with the skinhead/skater/death metal guys. They were all in one big group at that time. I managed to be friends with them while still maintaining my semi-coolness and not looking like them or dating any of them. Still, looking back, I really wish I had their courage to be totally freaky and not give a shit what anyone thought.

After high school, I came to realize quickly that it really is true what your parents say. Those kids who were the coolest in high school are usually the biggest losers after school. No one gives a shit about you, and no one did. My closest and most awesome friends were made after high school, with the exception of a few of those skinhead/skater/death metal guys which I still consider some of my best friends of all time. Now that I am free to let my freak flag fly, now that I am free to be the biggest dork on the planet if I so desire, I am friends with people who appreciate it. Or, in the case of my husband, at least put up with it on a daily basis.
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